And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors...
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
The Year: 2019
Millennials have killed dozens of industries: Diamonds, Golf, and most egregiously—Applebees. With millions all over the United States susceptible to less access to mozzarella sticks, many business leaders have been forced to take a hard, long look in the mirror .
Simply put—Millennials have to be stopped. And also figured out—so we can sell things to them, of course. But what makes these elusive creatures tick? And more importantly, how are they different from the younger and so-called ‘Gen-Z’ that threatens to murder even more defenseless Fortune 500 companies?
Thankfully, there is one hero that has emerged among thousands of copywriters and content creators all over the country: that’s right—it’s Christiann Castellanos Keeler. Yes, we know you’ve heard so much about her. From her adventures copywriting for Fox Broadcasting to her intrepid exploits as a YouTube content creator, Christiann has stayed ahead of the curve by outwitting these avocado-toast-loving-brutes . Homing in on what the kids are into these days has proven to not only be a tricky business, but at times even...dangerous .
And like a single-celled organism that evolves when a predator is introduced to their environment (This really happens! Isn’t science amazing?), Christiann’s expertise is to infiltrate valuable brand data, wordsmith the heck out of it and vanquish a vile foe: not being able to express your brand message properly and succinctly.
Some  may say it can’t be done, that too many constraints have forced companies to throw in the towel because changing tastes aren’t even ‘tastes’ anymore, it’s all just memes and Internet jokes. But what if that was precisely the antidote needed to stop the virus from spreading (sorry, that might ACTUALLY be the plot to the 1995 movie, Outbreak)? What if there is more beneath the surface of Buzzfeed articles (okay, there’s not a ton beneath the surface).
This is why We must band together to use Internet culture, pop lore, Adweek articles, and the last one hundred years of human history to invite your audience in. We will create a cozy space amongst all of today’s chaos where they can rejoice in who they are and reinvent themselves as well as their futures with one pure, shiny symbol of hope: your brand.
Err...unless you’re Applebees, of course.
 By “hard, long look”, I mean that it was discussed at one meeting after an account executive read an article posted on Reddit. And by “mirror”, I mean psychographics that came down from research
 This is obviously an exaggeration at this point, Millennials have also since this publication killed the avocado toast industry
 Speaking of dangerous, did you know that 42% of the world’s population is under 25 years old? Of course you do! I just told you.